The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Did you pee in the oven last night??
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize