you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
