i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
