Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
