Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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