If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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