You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
