I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
