I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
