yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
