I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
