Tell her she can't have a vagina
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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