You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
