This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
