I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
