I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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