something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
