if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
