i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
