It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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