Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
