Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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