I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
