Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Acid is not a monday night drug
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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