He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
