After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
