He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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