my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
