god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
