cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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