I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
