Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
