There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
