I met the friendliest cop last night
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
