whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
