last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
As shirtless as possible
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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