I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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