opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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