The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize