I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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