You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
