i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I touched a dick in church today
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize