Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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