i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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