mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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