Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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