I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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