how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
did you just send me my own nude
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
