I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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