I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize