Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
