i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
