Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
