All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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