I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
