1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
pop tarts are not kleenex
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
