im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
