I'm lost and stupid without you.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
