I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
