Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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