I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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