I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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