My hair reeks of homosexuality.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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