dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
