I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
