I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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