drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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