watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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