I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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