I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize