If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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